THE INSTAGRAM MADNESS (NOW WIFE ME!)

“Kill them all, dead bodies in the hallway…” I’m so good at playing these video games by now.

If there’s anyone who tried to get that ring, It would probably be me!
This had to be the guy! I mean…he has to marry me, I’m the exact chic he must have been describing (I mean come on) right?
Scrolling through my Instagram @the_kache, I come across this guy called Dick. I won’t exaggerate, he is not that cute, but hey, I decide to follow anyway, if anything ,I was too desperate for a guy’s attention at that particular time.
His pictures, not too fly, but I like anyway. That was on a Sunday if I should be very specific.
I sleep and the day is over.

MONDAY(Dick’s IG caption).
“If that girl can play that video game better than you…Wife her!”

I COULD NOT BELIEVE THIS! (SO THIS GUY DICK CAN TAKE ME IN IF I LEARN SOME BASIC SKILLS IN THIS CHILDISH DEVICE TECHNOLOGY?)

I quickly download a simple game of “Grand Theft” to try out and get some simple skills. (I get a numb thumb which later breaks.)

TUESDAY (Dick’s IG caption).
“If that girl can rotate over three times while cuddling in bed…Wife her!

WOW! THIS DICK GUY COULD TURN OUT TO BE THE ONE!

I quickly sign up for a simple class of yoga. I normally I have classes from 11-16hrs but I have to take this yoga class the whole day if I wana learn how to rotate!
Sadly…I break two bones. (I still carry on with yoga by the way.)

WEDNESDAY(Dick’s IG caption).
“If that girl can shave her hair just so she can look like you…Wife her!

OF ALL THE CONDITIONS DICK HAD GIVEN, THIS WAS THE LEAST HARD FOR ME. I JUST SIMPLY HAD TO TAKE OFF MY WIG AND THROW IT AWAY, I WAS BALD ANYWAY. (The wig is worth 500$ by the way.)

This had been a three days continuous follow up. I was the girl who wanted a ring and was sure I was gonna get it. I just simply couldn’t wait to be “wifed.”

THURSDAY(All or nothing).
On the fourth day, I left a comment on one of Dick’s posts on IG.
Well, I don’t wanna spill the beans, but I was simply asking Dick to meet up in a newly opened cafeteria around town.
He took about 4hours to reply,(he was probably looking through my 1000 posts …which I had posted in “smiles of the side” or what jealous people call…umm…I don’t know what they call that.
The posts in which I had turned my neck backwards and tried to lift my waist so that my behind looked bigger. The posts in which I had twirled my hair (oh I mean the 500$ wig). Finally, the posts I had in which I had posed in some second hand high heels that I had really shined before taking some butt shots with the mercy of my neighbour’s S4 right before using the “Reyes” filter.

“Gorgeous… I say 6pm. My number is #
You earned it doll face. See you tomorrow!” A reply comment finally came back.

I couldn’t believe it!

FRIDAY (Dick and I).
30minutes to the date I quickly put myself together.
Broken thumb! Two broken bones! A bald girl!
If there is anything this had taught me, is that Dick wanted someone real and  true.
I put on that normal cheap swagg; rugged jeans and the black converse …took a face towel in case it gets hot outside. (Yeah…a face towel).
I started experimenting on my left hand especially where Dick was supposed to put the engagement ring. I just couldn’t believe it was finally happening. I took my wallet which had the face of a rhino on it, I put some drinking water in a tomato sauce bottle and left the house.

As I entered the cafeteria I saw that he was already seated. I gracefully took my bald headed body, broken bones and misplaced thumb and sat down next to him.
He looked at me dismissively and forced a smile.
“I’m sorry, but that seat is taken.”

I smiled, he was so funny.
I took the face towel and wiped my face, it was kind of hot.

I introduced myself to the now already sweating guy and added how happy I was that he was going to marry me.
It hit him, I was the girl with the 1000 posts.
I made it very clear to him that I had very good experience in playing video games, rotating and living my life with shaved hair just so I can look like my man.

He sneezed continuously before he excused himself to go to the gents room.
I waited for about 30 minutes before I started looking around…I figured that he probably had a stomach problem.
From 6:30pm. It was now 9:15pm and they wanted to close the cafeteria. The waiter made it clear to me that the gents room was at the opposite direction to the direction that Dick had taken.
That name really suits him. I cried for a while .

I took my bald head, broken thumb and pushed my broken bones out of the cafeteria door.

Dear friend, most of what they post on Instagram is a lie.

I DELETED MY ACCOUNT.

Yvonne_Kache